All Done!

I have completed the 30 Days of Submission blog posts. It was strange trying to answer all those questions about my submission since I really have not thought about the whys of it. I enjoyed it and actually learned a lot about myself. I am very proud of the fact that I did not miss a single day. Every post was up on time (some of them barely made it!) and I finished the challenge. I am not sure exactly what I want to write about now. There is a lot going on in our life but very little of it seems interesting enough for strangers to want to read it. And there is nothing kinky or sexy going on (thank you deployment).  J

Moving On

I am being one of “those mom’s”. We are at the park and the boys are playing. Instead of watching them and their every little move I am writing a blog post on my laptop. It isn't that I don’t care or that I have better things to do- it is that I have spent every moment with them for the last 6 weeks. I know all their tricks. I have seen them go down the slide a thousand times over the years. And everyone needs a break sometimes.

So I am sitting under a huge tree listening to the music of children laughing and playing. It really is a beautiful evening. A lot has changed over the last few weeks. The biggest is that my best friend has moved over 11 hours away from me. I am officially alone. I have casual friends that I do animal rescue with and I talk to my boys teachers but I do not have ‘that person’. I can no longer run next door when something is wrong or to share a joke. I am alone.

In a few months we will be moving to our next home and I will start the process of making friends again. I cannot count the number of friends who have come and gone in my life. It is just part of being in the military. We always promise to stay in touch and to visit the next time we are in the same state but it really doesn’t happen. Life goes on and we change. We fill the holes they left in our lives with someone new. It doesn’t mean those friends were less special. It just means life goes on.

I do not see this hole being filled. She knew nothing of our M/s life but she always understood when I said I needed to ask Sir before I bought something. She never questioned me making His plate or any of the other things I do for Him. She also understood why I fell in love with her two little girls. Those girls are like my own and I had to watch them drive away yesterday after they gave me hugs and called me “Mamma XXX”

So today there is a huge hole in my heart where the other half of my family should be. After three years of being one big happy family we have been torn apart by the military cuts and I am a little lost. 

Day Thirty

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

 Yes,  my needs are being met. We have different challenges to face than most M/s couples since He is currently deployed. I am still submissive. I still follow the rules. I ask for permission to buy anything over $50. But… He is not here for our daily routines. He cannot pet me while we watch TV. I cannot meet him at the door after work with a smile and a kiss.

I am still happy and content in our life but I have so much missing. I do not want to picture my life without Him in it. (It is a very real fear for me right now.) If I did not have Him I would probably never be submissive to anyone again. It is a connection between us that gives me this mindset and I do not think I would be able to find this ‘happy spot’ without Him. 

Day Twenty Nine

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain is a large part of our relationship and one of the first ways we started exploring this side of our relationship. I enjoy pain and find it to be closely tied to my orgasms. Spankings – ones that I really feel the next day- just fuel my submission. We don’t participate in a lot humiliation activities and I am thankful for that. I have a lot of body image issues and anything “humiliating” would just be too much for me. The closest we come to this is the pictures I post on here that He really likes. It is very hard for me to put those images out there for everyone to see but I do not find it humiliating. I do not think we could have this lifestyle and not include pain. It is too much a part of who we are as a couple. 

Day Twenty Eight

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Wow there is a lot in this question. I think I will break it down a little bit.

Has your submission every let you down?

No. I only submit to my Master and I trust Him completely with everything in my life. His choices are usually better than my own. I cannot see it letting me down because He doesn't let me down.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission?

Yes, but not in a direct way. I have had family and friends make comments about how “weak” a woman would have to be to be submissive to her husband. Then EVERYONE read 50 Shades and the conversations never ended. I heard everything from M/s is abuse to “that lifestyle has to be made-up”. It doesn't really bother me anymore because I know how great my life is.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes I make mistakes. Everyone does. Thankfully I have a great Master and we work through everything together. 

Day Twenty Seven

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Unfortunately this will be a boring post. I don’t have wild and crazy fantasies. I am living the wildest one I have ever had. I have talked to Sir about doing double penetration but to be honest I don’t like the idea of having sex with someone other than Sir. I like the idea of it…..but not the idea of someone else touching me. Maybe someday we will meet the right person but I do not see that happening.   J

Day Twenty Six

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

I don’t really have a lot to go off of.  I have only been with one Master and I will not be with anyone else. So…. What makes a good Master?

1.       He loves me as a person and not just a slave.

2.       He is confident in himself and in His role as head of our home.

3.       He is sensitive to my needs and can tell if I need a hug or a spanking- then gives me exactly what I need.

4.       And He Talks to me. About the big stuff but more importantly, the little things. I know most couples talk about the life changing things like buying  a new car, but it is the little things like what I had for lunch or the trash TV I watched that really makes me feel loved. He may not care about the topic but He always listens because He knows it means something to me.

I am sure I could go on and on about this but honestly this list should be what every woman looks for in a man. We are not different than anyone else just because we have added an M/s dynamic to our relationship. 

Day Twenty Five

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

We really do keep our relationship quiet and cannot display it for the world to see. I have a beautiful collar that Sir bought me before He left. You can see it here. It is wonderful and feels great when I wear it. It is heavy so I cannot forget it is there and it would help keep me in my submissive mind set. I was only able to wear it at home a couple of times but it was amazing. He had me kneel in front of Him as He put it on me and I have never felt more submissive. I cannot wait for Him to return and place it on me once again. With the upcoming move I plan on just wearing it every day. It is pretty and I can change out pendants to make it look any way I want. I don't think people who don't know me would question it. 

Day Twenty Four

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

My submissive feeling go hand in hand with my emotions. Some times I feel like a roller coaster of emotions and usually He is the only who can see it. He can put my feelings into words better than I can. He knows my emotions and what I need before I do. Sometimes I just need to ‘feel’ something, anything, and that is when He will give me a good girl spanking. It usually helps me reset my emotions and move on.

I find that I am most submissive after I have felt lonely. (Like now and His deployment) I would do almost anything He asked after having some time apart. We actually grow more in our M/s relationship when He is gone than we do when He is home with me.

I find that when I am in a happy or energetic mood I get into trouble. I like to joke around and get sassy which do not usually go smoothly with being a slave. He likes it for a little while but then I think He gets tired of it. I get “that look” when He has had enough. 

Day Twenty Three

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I used to question everything about being a submissive. In my family it was taught to never need a man. Never depend on him to provide for you.  Never trust him. I was to grow up, have a career, and be independent. Falling in love was the last thing I ever thought I would do and certainly not so young. He was a one night stand that just never seemed to end. He was unlike any man I had ever been around and He treated me better than anyone ever had.

It did not take me long to realize that He was my everything.  I gave up my career for Him. I followed Him from Air Force Base to Air Force Base.  Every move brought us closer and closer together and my childhood teachings fell farther and farther away. I depend on Him for everything and would be lost without Him. I often question if being so dependent on my Master is a healthy thing but it comes naturally to me. I like knowing He provides for me and takes care of me. 

Day Twenty Two

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

I have always had a dominate partner and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. He does deploy a lot so we transition back and forth from a 24/7 live in relationship to a 24/7 online/long distance relationship. These transitions are hard but I do feel they both have their positive side. I cannot imagine not having His guidance in my life and I am sure I would feel lost without it. He has so much control over everything I do. 

Day Twenty One

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

With Him being deployed our choices are limited. I have corner/kneeling time every night. I kneel by a chair in our room and try to center myself. When He comes home I will kneel while He sits in the chair but it is a long time until February. Right now 5 minutes seems like forever and I have a really hard time staying put. I know I need to focus on my submission during this time but I find it hard to quiet my mind. I tend to run through my to do lists and think about all the things I should have done. I think I need to find a book on centering myself or maybe meditation….I don’t know.  L I do find that my kneeling time helps me remember my place in our relationship. He is thousands of miles away from me but He still has control over my life. 

Day Twenty

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

My submission has continually grown over the last 10 years. At first I didn't even realize that is what was happening. I just wanted to follow Him. About five years ago we started discussing some of our lifestyle changes. It was very slow at first and I did fight a lot of little things that now are just second nature. About two years ago we started talking about a full 24/7 power exchange. It was all very exciting and we jumped in with both feet. It was a disaster.  

After struggling for a little while we decided to take a step back and see what went wrong. We are very happy with that decision. We are moving a lot slower and I find it easy to hand over things to Him now. He started out with just a few little things and we are building on them. I know He has grand plans for our future and my submission but we are taking it slow. We don’t want to have to back up and do it again. 

Day Nineteen

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

I am not a social person. People scare me and I try to avoid going out at all. I like being alone and enjoy the quiet. With that being said, Master LOVES to be around people. He never meets a stranger and will talk to anyone. He would go to social gatherings if we lived where we could. There just are not places for kink around here.

We do have another couple we talk to all the time. We met through our blogs and have become very close – very fast. I can tell her anything and she truly understands and doesn't judge me. She doesn't scream abuse when I say He spanked me and I don’t panic when she says the same to me. It really is wonderful. Thankfully both of our husbands are military so we can talk about all parts of our lives since it really does change how our dynamics work.  S and I talk all the time and I am really blessed to have her as my friend. I cannot wait for us to meet in real life.

I did join Fet and I received horrible messages and comments from other people who do not believe in 24/7 or slaves. It just was not for me. I like to go on there to read some of the post but I do not comment or talk to anyone. I really did not think people on that site would be so closed minded and mean.

Day Eighteen

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have  an opinion. While that clearly isn't true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

I am very lucky to have a Master who likes to hear me talk since I talk a lot (at least to Him and a few close friends.) We have worked years on our communication. It really depends on if He is home or traveling due to deployments and TDYs but I have never felt like my thoughts or opinions were a burden or unwanted.

Verbal –

He loves to hear what I have to say and encourages me to talk about everything.  He does not restrict our conversations. He asks my opinion on almost everything but that does not mean He is going to do what I think is right. I just ask for things if I want or need them. I am not allowed to be “snarky” or disrespectful and He does not like for me to use profanities.  I do not use bad language often but I’m thankful that He has not set up a No Cussing Rule, yet.

Written-

Years and Years ago when we were still vanilla we went to marriage counseling. It was terrible and everything came down to being my fault. The therapist told me to “put out more” and it would solve all our problems. Sex was not our problem – communication was. The only good thing that came out of those sessions was our letter writing. I have a habit of getting upset and blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. This is NOT good when your husband (now Master) has a memory like a steel trap. He can recite conversations back to me, word for word, days or months later. It is terribly frustrating. So the therapist suggested writing letters to each other. It is amazing. I can write, proofread, and edit everything I say. Emotions don’t get in the way of what I want to say. We write fewer and fewer letters now but we email, text, and chat all the time. Everyday. All day. 

My blog has also opened up a new way to communicate. He reads every post and sends me comments or questions. He says it has helped Him understand my thoughts better. Apparently I need to work on sharing a little more of my feelings along with menus and schedules. I am a work in progress. 

I do not see how anyone could have a relationship without good communications – vanilla or M/s. Communication is part of everything for us: trust, submission, kink, service, and the list could go on and on. 

Day Seventeen

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust (noun) :  

• belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
• assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
• one in which confidence is placed

Trust is the foundation of our relationship. I could not be submissive if I was constantly questioning Him. I know that He will take care of me- even when He is on the other side of the world. My trust was very hard to earn for Sir. I came from a world of escape plans and terrible marriages. Hidden money and sneaking around were considered normal and my Mother wanted me to “play around for a while” before I settled down. He was a one night stand that just never ended.

I find that trusting Him took longer than anything else in our relationship. I knew I loved Him within days of meeting Him. It was so easy to fall for Him, but trusting Him with my heart was something completely different. It took years (and lots of arguments) for me to realize He was not like anyone else in my life. I now trust Him, and only Him, completely. Every change we have made in our relationship has been built on that trust. He grows stronger and more confident every day as I submit more and more to Him. 

Day Sixteen

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

I am only submissive to my Sir. He has earned my trust and loyalty over the last 15 years and I don’t plan on ever submitting to anyone else. He is my one and only Master.

Well that was short and sweet, huh?

Day Fifteen

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

My submission has evolved so much over the last five years that I have a hard time remembering how it was at first. It was really easy early on. I was submissive in bed and not really anywhere else. We also fought all the time and I have severe trust issues when He went away for work. I knew He was not fully satisfied with our marriage and I worried that He would stray. The first time I told Him I was going to do X and He said No was a complete shock. (I cannot remember what it was that I wanted all those years ago.) I was so angry with him. I threw a temper tantrum that would have made our toddler proud. I no longer “Tell” him anything. I ask for His permission and I try to gracefully accept His answer.

We are slowly growing our relationship and building on the structure He craves. I have always been His “Pet”. Not a puppy or kitten but a Human Pet. He started calling me Pet years ago in passing and it has slowly grown. The next step in our relationship is to explore the idea of being His full time Pet. I don’t think He will ask me to eat from a dish on the floor or go outside to potty. That isn't His thing. He wants to groom me, tell me what to eat, where to go, and decide my life. My girly rules are a part of this.

It is exciting and terrifying to try to move in this direction. I don’t want to lose what we have become. 

5 Reasons

I keep seeing this link shared on Facebook.

5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night

It is a cute little article telling wives to have more sex with there husbands. It is a fun read but the comments that come after it are eye opening. Sir and I have always had a healthy sex life. Before our switch to a 24/7 lifestyle we would have sex 2-3 times a week. We have never been able to keep our hands off of each other and have embarrassed our children and friends on more than one occasion. In our current arrangement (and when He is home) we have sex every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. Its not always mind blowing, world stop spinning sex. We have quickies in the garage. We sneak away during nap time. We run off into the woods while camping with friends and our kids. We have a LOT of sex.

The wives commenting are acting like Sex is a terrible thing. An inconvenience to them. They don't want to touch their husbands and they use the kids and work and schedules as an excuse. I find it sad. And I feel so sorry for the men living like this. I think women can show their love and emotions easier with words. Men show it through that physical connection a couple has during sex...making love....or fucking.

I can not imagine our lives like that. Going days sleeping in the same bed and not touching Him. It sounds like Hell to me.

Day Fourteen

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Not really. I don’t really know a lot about religion based submission so I am not even going to go deeper than that.

J

Day Thirteen

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Technically I am available to Him at all times. With that being said, we have two boys – ages 10 and 4 – who limit our interactions by just being children. We would love to be able to play off and on all day but we rarely have any alone time other than after their bed time. Someday they will be grown (sad face) and we will be able to have Naked Tuesdays or Freaky Fridays. 

Day Twelve

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Financial submission was difficult for me but looking back it was one of the first acts of submission I did. I put my career on hold so He could join the military. Money was always tight in the early years so we agreed to talk about every purchase over $25. Now that we are farther along in His career money is not as tight. We are able to live comfortably and spoil our children but I still ask Him for permission to spend more than a few bucks.

He is not the best a paying the bills. He HATES math and balancing a checkbook is a huge headache to Him. So I do the bills. I figure everything and send Him a copy of the budget before I actually make the payments. He reviews it and tells me to pay them. He can make changes if He wants to but that rarely happens. When we receive our bonus money or tax return He decides how we are going to spend it.

I will be returning to work part time this fall as a substitute teacher.  I will not earn very much but He has decided that I will use that money to pay for some of my new “girly” rules like my nails. I am thankful to have the opportunity to return to work and still be able to set my schedule to be available to Him. 


EDIT:

After a long talk, Sir has decided that I will not be returning to substitute teaching this year. He believes I have enough work to do at home with the upcoming move and His current deployment. My "Girly" things will be paid for by Him just like everything else in my life and I will remain His devoted house slave.    :)

Day Eleven

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Service is a large part of our relationship. I do everything I can in order to make His life comfortable. I clean His house, tend the gardens, care for the kids, do His shopping, and the list can go on and on. I used to find cleaning to be dull and tiresome but the longer we are on this journey the more I enjoy these things. I can find great joy in cleaning the kitchen or folding the laundry. Anything I do for Him is special.

With Him deployed my daily service routine helps keep me in touch with my submissive side. As I complete my tasks I send Him photos. He can get 20 pictures in a day of things like a clean living room or a freshly scrubbed bath tub. He always gives me high praise for even the smallest tasks. I love to know He is proud of me. It is like a drug to me. The happier a task makes Him the more I want to do. 

Day Ten

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

I have been stuck on this post for two days. I have started and restarted it so many times that I have lost count. While texting with Sir I asked for His help and He spent a long time going over it with me instead of getting his much needed sleep.

Yes, BDSM is a huge part of our lives. When we break it down (like in the image) it is very clear that we practice every part of it. We started playing in the bedroom before anything else. At first it was just blind folds and tie downs. Then He found toys. And more toys. Bondage became part of our ‘normal’ routine and helped me sink into a more submissive place in the bedroom. Now we have moved past actual bondage to something even more controlling to me. He can place me in a position and I will stay put.  It is more than ropes and ties. He has mentally restrained me. Moving is not an option.

We have discussed discipline in earlier posts. Thankfully I am a wonderful slave and I never get into trouble. (Wink Wink) Discipline is a tool that He uses to help me become the person He thinks I can be. It isn't fun but disappointing him is worse than any other punishment. I hate to see that look in His eyes.

Domination and Submission is the structure of our relationship. He is a natural leader. He enjoys being in charge and having things His way. Maybe it goes back to being an only child…..I don’t know. I cannot picture our lives any other way now. We used to fight each other all the time. He wanted things His way and I wanted them my way. It didn't work and we were miserable. Life got better once I stopped fighting Him. He became more confident in His decisions and He started making more decisions. Then He started making decisions that directly changed me. And I liked it. I liked Him taking charge of my life. He really does make better decisions than I do.

Sir is a sadist. We started figuring that out very early on in our play time. He would get so excited to see me wince. Red marks on my body became a huge turn on. The first time He spanked me was a huge eye opener for Him and for me. The more we played the more I enjoyed it. We went farther each time we played until I realized that I am a masochist. The more control and power He has over me the better my orgasm will be.  And pain, the right kind of pain, is just that much better.

After all this time I know that I am a submissive.  We could take everything else out of our relationship and I would still want to submit to Him. I would still be His Pet. I want to take care of Him. I want to please Him. I don’t see that part of me ever changing. 

Day Nine

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

I crave rules and structure.

When we first started out we put together all the possible rules that we could. I had structure coming out of my ears. I was miserable. It didn't work. It was too much too fast. I started to resent this life I so wanted. So we hit a reset button.

Now the rules are basic and simple. Everything comes back to respect and common sense. My current rules are posted on the rules page here. He slowly adds things as it comes up but, right now, most of the new rules are going to fall under the “Girly” category.

I am a Tom Boy. I love to play in the dirt. I love to wear T-shirts and jeans. I like Baseball caps and pony tails. I have never been pampered. I have never worried about my hair. I don’t wear a lot of makeup. I don’t get my nails done. Tom Boy through and through. 

His latest rules are improving my appearance. I now have to get my nails done. It is a huge adjustment but I have noticed that He really likes them. He comments on my nails in every picture I send him. The little comments make me hate them less and less.

I am sure that our rules will continue to evolve.  I am finding that I can do so much more with my life with the structure in place. I have more free time. Our house is cleaner. My kids are happier. I am Happy. 

Day Eight

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes, He uses spanking as a last resort punishment. He likes to use other means to correct me since I find spanking erotic and a huge turn on.  A light little tap on my ass does nothing to deter unwanted behaviors. A spanking for us has to get past the fun part and into the “Oh Crap…That Hurts…Please Stop…I Promise I Will Be Good” phase.

I am thankful that He only uses it as a last result and that He feels my ass is the only appropriate place for that kind of punishment. He does not hit me anywhere else for discipline and He never disciplines me when He is angry. It usually starts with a “Go to your corner” where I can stay there for a long time. Once He is calm, he comes in and tells me why He is angry and how I am going to avoid this issue in the future.  I then bend over and “grab my ankles” or bend over the bed. He likes for me to count the swats and I am not allowed to put on a show. He always finishes with hugs, cuddles, and talking.

Overall I am a really good girl and I have only had a couple of punishment spankings. It can be hard for me to take but I know it is always for my own good.

Day Seven

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

McLintock - 1963
I am not a huge John Wayne fan but I love this movie!

Yes. I receive punishments. And I don’t like it.

Wait??? I need to write more than that?   

Punishment is a very real thing in our relationship but thankfully I do not get into trouble very often. He can use whatever He thinks is appropriate but usually it is spankings, grounding, corner time, and a stern talking to. Since the next question is about corporal punishments I will leave that for tomorrow.   J

I find grounding and corner time to be a harsh punishment for me. I do not like to sit and do nothing. I don’t like to think about what I did wrong or how my actions were out of line. My mind can be a dark and scary place sometimes. I can take a simple action and work it into the end of the world in just a few quick steps. It is a slippery slope for sure.

A stern talking to makes me cry. I hate to disappoint Him and sitting at His feet listening to all the ways I messed up is terrible. He has a way of speaking to me that is worse than any other punishment. It breaks my heart and scares me all at once. Sometimes I feel like it could melt the paint off the walls. It is just so cold and harsh compared to the way He normally speaks to me. I do everything I can to avoid that tone.

I wish I could say that I was the perfect house slave- I never mess up and He never has to punish me. I wish I was that good. The truth is that I am human. I make mistakes like everyone else. I am blessed with a compassionate and loving Master who knows the best ways to correct my actions without breaking who I am deep inside. 

Day Six

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I had a rough childhood. I believe I have mentioned that my family is Toxic. Maybe? My Biological father was a very abusive drunk who took out his frustrations in life on his children and wife. I grew up fighting him for survival. We rarely had food. We never had money since he spent all of his really great paychecks on beer and appearances. He wanted children who looked perfect. Never talked. Played the right role and knew when to get out of the way. I attended schools to learn how to speak, eat, walk, and anything else he thought we should do. I learned how to hide bruises from teachers, lie to counselors, and to get Child Protective Services to think he was the perfect father.  My childhood was Hell.

Master is my father’s complete opposite. He was an acting major in college. He was loud. He laughed all the time. He eyes were kind and His hugs were gentle. We met on the first day of junior college and spent every moment together. I knew He was it for me within a month. 

I wasn’t submissive at first. Actually it was completely reversed from where we are today. I worked at a great job. I brought in our money. I paid our bills. I took care of everything. And deep down I was miserable.

It started out in the bedroom. He would tease me that I was “lazy” during sex. I made Him do all the work. I don’t think I knew it at the time but it was my way of getting what I needed- For Him to be in charge.  It just felt right.

I do think our relationship setup has a lot to do with my childhood.  I want Him to take care of me – not because I can’t, but because I have always taken care of myself. I enjoy being His Pet. I enjoy handing Him everything and knowing it will all be taken care of.  I can trust Him to provide for me in every way. I can just relax and follow His lead and know I am safe.  Being safe and loved and cared for is a wonderful feeling. 

Day Five

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

He is my first and last Master. We have found this lifestyle after years of marriage and have built a strong foundation of love and trust.

 I don’t think we are that different than other D/s couples. We have rules.  We have expectations of each other. He has the final say. What makes us different is the fact that He is in the military. We are faced with deployments and training and crazy work schedules. We are faced with transitioning back and forth from being together to  being in a long distance relationship.  It isn't easy. This will be the first time that we have continued our D/s relationship in its entirety. I am hopeful that it will make some of the transitioning easier and that we will not fight as much this time. 

Day Four

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

I have thought about being a Dominate several times and it always makes me giggle. I am not a Dominate and I really never want to. I cannot even pretend for a play session. I feel that it goes against everything I have worked to be.  He has suggested several things in the past that would put me “in charge” and I cannot do it. When I do not feel him guiding me I start to over think things and panic. 

Making Decisions

It seems that I am more submissive than I originally thought. While writing my Day 3 post I had a light bulb moment. I don't want to return to work. It has always been part of our agreement that I would return to work full time when we left this base. I would return to working with animals in one form or fashion. As I thought about my Day 3 post I realized that walking away from my dream job 10 years ago was my first real act of submission. Who Knew?

I think about our life, and where we will be in the upcoming years, and I don't see me working. I don't see me missing lunches with my Master or school functions with my kids. I don't see me trying to shift my work schedule in order to spend time with my family.

I want my career to be serving my Master. I belong at home taking care of Him and our boys. It took me a long time to admit this to myself. The first thing I did last night was message Him. I had to know what He thought about my complete change in directions. I had to wait for His answer. I am sure He was thinking about the right response. Then when I received His answer it was short and wonderful.

"Good. I don't want you to work outside the home. Your place is serving me."

Apparently He had thought about this too. He wants me to be home for Him. He didn't want me to work but He wanted me to come to this realization on my own. (He is such a wonderful man.)

Day Three

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

I wasn't raised to be a submissive. I was raised by a Mom who hated men. I would probably hate men if I had been married to a man like my father. So she wanted me to make my own money, take care of myself, and to never NEED a man. Then one day my husband came home from work and told me He wanted to join the Air Force. I am a farm girl and knew nothing about the military but I knew Him. I quit my dream job and followed Him. When I looked into His eyes I knew He was my dream. Not a job. Not independence. Not anything my Mom had taught me.

That was my first submissive act. It has taken us 10 years to get here but I am very happy with my choice all those years ago. Being submissive to Him gives me pleasure on so many levels. I find myself looking to Him for everything. I need to hear His praise. I need to know He is proud of me. I in general just NEED Him. 

Day Two

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I only submit to my husband. He is my Master.

We have been married for 12 years this month. Our relationship has been evolving slowly into our great Master/slave dynamic over the last 5 years. Submitting to Him was not easy and required me to trust him completely. And trust is not easy for me. My submission is part of everything in my life. He controls the schedules, money, food, chores, my appearance, and everything else.

He is very generous in the bedroom, but He gets what He wants. I am available to Him at all times and in any way He wants. I have only played with Him in the bedroom but ultimately it is His choice. If He decided to invite someone else into our play time I would not have the right to object. I have given Him all the rights to my body and I know He takes that responsibility very seriously. 

Day One

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Our label has changed so much over the years. I don’t really think we are one set thing. We are striving for a Master/Slave dynamic but I am also His pet in many ways. He takes care of me and is slowly changing some of my less than desirable habits. My health and well being is fully up to Him. As far as the slave/submissive titles I find that no one really agrees on the exact meaning of what a submissive is and what a slave is. So I will try to explain how I see them.

To me a submissive is a person who wants to serve a person when it suits them. They have the right to negotiate and make deals. Nothing is really set in stone. They come into a scene to submit and they leave the scene a free and independent person.  The submissive still has control over their lives. They have their own money, their own possessions, and can come and go as they please.  A submissive is playing a role.

I am not a submissive. I am a slave. I don’t walk out of a scene. My life does not come with an on/off switch.  As a slave I handed over everything to my Master. My Master makes all the decisions, controls the money, makes the rules, and dishes out the punishments.  I do not have limits, hard no’s, or the right to negotiate.  I am to obey Him without question.

“A slave is not an ueber-sub, someone "more" submissive than the "ordinary" submissive. For that matter, a slave may not even be submissive at all. Slavery is not about submission or submissive behaviors. It is about obedience.” (http://www.teramis.com/kink/subvslave.htm)

He thinks about my feelings but, in the end, He will do what He thinks is best. He knows what I like and what I don’t like both in and out of the bedroom. I do have a safe word system but it does not stop the actions. It is just a way for Him to know how I am mentally and physically. And I have never used it. He knows just by the sound of my breathing or the look on my face how I am doing. He usually knows my feelings better than I do.

I really do not want to try to fit our relationship into a category or pick a label.  I don’t want to limit our experiences to what others think. I do not want to fit into a neat little box. I want to follow Him. I want to please Him. I want to see pride and love in His eyes and know that I am everything He wants me to be.