Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Sad Day

I have started this post and deleted it several times. Some things are just hard to talk about. Some things are just personal. Isn't it strange that I can talk about sex and beatings, but talking about other things makes me uncomfortable.

Master is in the military. He is EOD (think the movie "The Hurtlocker"). He is bomb squad and so much more. He has deployed several times. He has been sent home early due to injury every time. It is my worst nightmare - life without Him. He leaves again in June and we will start a long distance relationship. We find that we grow closer with our time apart but it is still torture. We have been together since August 31, 1998. The only times we have been separated is when the military sends him somewhere I can not go.

We are in the countdown. I have to help find his gear, pack his equipment, organize the household things, and just get ready in general. He will be gone until February - 8 months. He will still approve our calender, our meal plan, the bills, our holiday plans, and anything else he controls now. We will talk daily and email constantly but the time difference will make it difficult.

It is just a sad day for me.

One a happy note, I was able to clean the kitchen today and start a Pot Roast for dinner. Go me!! I am slowly getting better.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A Nice Reminder

It is always nice to be reminded of my role in this relationship - even when I am recovering from a major surgery. Tonight I hopped in the shower to wash up and relax a little bit and He joined me. We always shower together but I have had the shower to myself for the last week.

While I was washing my face I felt him behind me. He wasn't touching me but I knew he was there. I started to turn around and I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder. His hand wrapped around my neck. He gently pushed me up against the cold shower wall. I was trapped between the heat of his body and the cold wall.

I did not do anything for him. I never touched him. He needed to feel his power over me. He wanted to hear me struggle to breathe as his fingers wrapped tightly around my neck. He emptied himself across my ass and then quietly left the shower.

Getting Better

At some point I will be well enough to do all of my normal duties, but I am enjoying seeing him do my chores. He has washed dishes (and someday I will figure out where he put everything), done laundry, vacuumed, dusted, watered my plants, and cooked. All things that are on my normal ToDo list. I am starting to see why he likes having a slave.   ;)

I have started doing more today and will hopefully be able to do even more tomorrow. I am just ready for our lives to be back to normal.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Recovery Time

The surgery went ok with a few minor complications. My bladder and my uterus were very close friends and did not want to separate. The two C-sections created a lot of scar tissue that had to be carefully removed in order to get the uterus out. They were thankfully able to do the procedure with the three little cuts across my stomach so I should have a faster recovery.

I now get to spend the next two weeks doing nothing. I have never been one to sit around and do nothing. He is being so wonderful. He is cleaning house, and fixing the meals, and taking care of our boys. He is doing everything I normally do which just makes me feel even worse. I am sure He will get tired of taking care of everything on his own but for today I am going to enjoy being babied.

Monday, April 21, 2014

One last time

It has been a crazy day. I received my last Venofer (IV Iron) treatment this morning. I did say that same sentence after treatment #4 and treatment #8. BUT I am sure that #9 was it. The magic number. I hope. 

Tomorrow I go in for my surgery. I am scared to death. I was not planning on a hysterectomy at age 34. It just does not seem fair. But on the plus side - I have two wonderful boys and I will no longer have to deal with a monthly visitor. He is very excited about that last one. Even though He says I am "Three Hole Certified" I am officially closed for about 10 days each month. He hates it. 

I have a feeling that He will get tired of blow jobs over the next 6 weeks. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!!

Easter is done. The eggs have been found. The food has been eaten. And all 17 guests are gone. I am exhausted.

Our life is as crazy as always. No one knows our lifestyle except for my little sister (who just found out last week) so I am always scared I will slip up. I am not ashamed of our life but I don't think they will understand how it works. They will all think He is abusing me and that is so far from the truth. I tried my best to follow the rules and I think I did really good. And He never gets upset with me for messing up with my Mom in the house.

I am now going to go clean up the mess and fix us something light for dinner. Then I have to get ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have an IV Iron treatment and then we drive to the city for my surgery on Tuesday. I am very nervous - not so much about the surgery but I am scared for my recovery. He does not cook. He does not clean. He does not set our schedule, or run the kids around, or do the shopping. My house will be a disaster by the time I am better.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

So much to do....

The last few months have been very hard for me. I have been anemic for years (like 15 years) and no one really seemed to care. I would fall asleep while doing the dishes. It was crazy! I finally pushed hard enough and received a referral to a hematologist. I love Dr. Mac. He is so supportive and explains everything to me several times. My iron was so low that he did not know how I was still going. We started IV iron in January and I am now "normal". (A word that is rarely used to describe me.) Now I am scheduled for a hysterectomy next week. Apparently my monthly visit from hell is causing all the problems so we are doing away with it. (I am actually very happy about this!)

So now with less than a week until the surgery I am in panic mode. He has not cooked in...well ever. He doesn't clean the house or take the kids to school or any of the other things I do. I am expecting about a week of laying around and sleeping so I need at least a week worth of food He can fix. And we don't eat processed foods. Everything is from scratch (Except for my Lucky Charms....I can't give up my cereal!)

Now He has decided to invite a bunch of people over for Easter. Our house is small (about 1600 square feet) and He wants to have 9 adults, 6 kids, and our family for dinner and an Easter Egg Hunt. With so many people here I have to have every room clean and perfect. People will be everywhere so there is no hiding crap in my room and closing the door.

I am a very stressed out slave and all He will say is "I know you will get it all done."  I am glad He has so much faith in me because right now I could just scream.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Coming Out

I am naturally a introvert - People scare me and confuse me and annoy me - but He thinks I need to build a support system that understands who we are. I am not sure if that is possible since sometimes I don't know who we are. 

We are in a 24/7 lifestyle and have been slowly building to this for several years. We have always had a more "Traditional" view of our roles. He is the man. He supports us financially. He makes the decisions. He is in control. I am the woman. I keep His home. I follow is lead. So going one step farther was just a natural progression in our relationship. 

I am not sure where this blog will go, but it is my first step out into the cold cruel world. No more sneaking around.