What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
I had a rough childhood. I believe I have mentioned that my family is Toxic. Maybe? My Biological father was a very abusive drunk who took out his frustrations in life on his children and wife. I grew up fighting him for survival. We rarely had food. We never had money since he spent all of his really great paychecks on beer and appearances. He wanted children who looked perfect. Never talked. Played the right role and knew when to get out of the way. I attended schools to learn how to speak, eat, walk, and anything else he thought we should do. I learned how to hide bruises from teachers, lie to counselors, and to get Child Protective Services to think he was the perfect father. My childhood was Hell.
Master is my father’s complete opposite. He was an acting major in college. He was loud. He laughed all the time. He eyes were kind and His hugs were gentle. We met on the first day of junior college and spent every moment together. I knew He was it for me within a month.
I wasn’t submissive at first. Actually it was completely reversed from where we are today. I worked at a great job. I brought in our money. I paid our bills. I took care of everything. And deep down I was miserable.
It started out in the bedroom. He would tease me that I was “lazy” during sex. I made Him do all the work. I don’t think I knew it at the time but it was my way of getting what I needed- For Him to be in charge. It just felt right.
I do think our relationship setup has a lot to do with my childhood. I want Him to take care of me – not because I can’t, but because I have always taken care of myself. I enjoy being His Pet. I enjoy handing Him everything and knowing it will all be taken care of. I can trust Him to provide for me in every way. I can just relax and follow His lead and know I am safe. Being safe and loved and cared for is a wonderful feeling.