You never realize how lonely you are until the idea of a real conversation makes you happy. I have lost so much in the last few months- Some are only temporary but some are forever. He is gone which is the hardest to handle. My best friend - and one of my only real friends - moved. She is starting her new life and seems to be moving on. It breaks my heart but I really do understand. Then this week a beloved pet died. He had tortured me like only a 20 lb cat can but I have slept next to Sir's house cat for 15 years. And our home will never be the same. Other friends seem to be drifting away the way they do. The phone calls and texts are farther and farther apart and I find myself looking at my phone longing for just a small message from old friends.
Tonight though I can not brush it off. My sisters are only 90 mins away from me. Just a short distance but it might as well be the other side of the earth. We don't talk. We don't text. We don't Facebook or video chat. They live their lives and I live mine. I used to chase after them. I used to call them and bug them and just drop by unannounced when I was in town. The calls would go unanswered. The messages were ignored. And my visits were just a bother. This year I stopped chasing them. This year I don't have the energy to try and make a relationship with them.
Tonight I received a message from my Little Sister. The first communication from her in months. Apparently my Mom (who I talk to every day, several times a day) asked my sister how I was. Such a simple question most sisters could answer about each other. But she didn't know how I was because I don't post my life on Facebook. I don't tell strangers how I feel.
So tonight I sit and stare at my phone and I read her words to me.
"I know I have not been there for you like I should...I just want you to know that I am here...I truly love you to the moon and back. I will do better at being your little sis."
And I am alone. So very alone.