Adrift

Mouse over at The Power Exchange used a word in her post that summed up how I feel.

Adrift.

So simple but complete havoc on my mind. With Him gone I find myself just floating through the days.

No purpose.
No guidance.
No drive.

The house is a mess. The yard needs to be prepared for winter. I have to get ready to move. And yet, I am not marking anything off of the to do list. I really just need Him to walk through the door at the end of the day. I need to know He approves of my hard work and get that little smile and words of praise.

I am such a bad slave.

I should do things because it is what He expects of me. Not for the praise.

30 Days of Truth - Day Five

Something you hope to do in your life. 

I don’t have a huge list of things I want to do in my life. I like to do simple things like hike and play with my kids and stay at home with Sir. I do have one dream. Someday I want to go to the Galapagos Islands. I want to see the giant tortoises and walk where Darwin walked. I have dreamed of those islands since I was a child.

30 Days of Truth - Day Four

Something you have to forgive someone for.

I forgive everyone but that does not mean I forget what they did. I only have one person who I need to forgive and I cannot do it. I cannot forgive my father for the childhood I had. I cannot forgive him for the abuse. I cannot forgive him for the way he treated my mother. I cannot forgive him for the lies I had to tell in order to cover it all up. I just cannot forgive him. 

To the Moon and Back...Really?

You never realize how lonely you are until the idea of a real conversation makes you happy. I have lost so much in the last few months- Some are only temporary but some are forever. He is gone which is the hardest to handle. My best friend - and one of my only real friends - moved. She is starting her new life and seems to be moving on. It breaks my heart but I really do understand. Then this week a beloved pet died. He had tortured me like only a 20 lb cat can but I have slept next to Sir's house cat for 15 years. And our home will never be the same. Other friends seem to be drifting away the way they do. The phone calls and texts are farther and farther apart and I find myself looking at my phone longing for just a small message from old friends.

Tonight though I can not brush it off. My sisters are only 90 mins away from me. Just a short distance but it might as well be the other side of the earth. We don't talk. We don't text. We don't Facebook or video chat. They live their lives and I live mine. I used to chase after them. I used to call them and bug them and just drop by unannounced when I was in town. The calls would go unanswered. The messages were ignored. And my visits were just a bother. This year I stopped chasing them. This year I don't have the energy to try and make a relationship with them.

Tonight I received a message from my Little Sister. The first communication from her in months. Apparently my Mom (who I talk to every day, several times a day) asked my sister how I was. Such a simple question most sisters could answer about each other. But she didn't know how I was because I don't post my life on Facebook. I don't tell strangers how I feel.

So tonight I sit and stare at my phone and I read her words to me.

"I know I have not been there for you like I should...I just want you to know that I am here...I truly love you to the moon and back. I will do better at being your little sis."

And I am alone. So very alone.

30 Days of Truth - Day Three

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for something that was completely out of my control- 5 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. So many babies came into our lives only to be taken before we were able to hold them. I did nothing wrong but my heart does not know this.

We are blessed to have D and A and I thank God every day for them. 

30 Days of Kink - Day Three

How did you discover you were kinky?

Hmmm….I don’t think I had a certain day that I had a light bulb moment. I slowly discovered my Kinky side as He discovered His. We really did just grow on each other’s personal discoveries. We have always had a lot of sex but slowly we started to add in a toy or try something new more and more often. I think our first toy was a small vibrator when we were still in college. It opened up a whole new world of sex toys and we now own a huge selection.

I approached Him with this lifestyle while He was away. I just sent Him a blog I had read and waited for His response. I was surprised when He did not freak out. We started talking about kink and submission and wonderful rough sex. This conversation is still going on after all these years. I am very thankful He wanted to be my Master and that we balance each other so well. 

30 Days of Truth - Day Two

Something you love about yourself.

It is sad that I find this question so difficult. I know it should be just as easy as the first one but it isn’t.

I love the way I look at the world. I am not naive (though Sir would probably disagree with me) but I do tend to have a childlike view of the world. I know the world is not a happy place. I know there are bad people in the world. And hunger. And pain. And war. I just choose to look at the good things. Maybe that is why I like to be a Pet so much. Sir worries about everything for me and I get to continue to live in my little bubble. 

30 Days of Kink - Day Two

List your kinks.

I find this one fun!

Spankings are really important to me- Not punishment spankings since those have to go past the fun turn on part to painful in order to be effective. Nothing gets me wetter, faster than a spanking from Sir.

Bondage – ties, ropes, blindfolds, cuffs, and mental. Him telling me “Do Not Move” is just as good as actual physical restraints.

Being His Pet and everything that goes with it from grooming (mani/pedi, hair, shaving) to wearing a plug with a tail.

Rules and structure – I don’t know if this is a kink or not. It centers me. It helps me to let go of my stresses and worries. And it is a huge turn on when He says no to me. It doesn’t happen often but I like to know that He can do it.

Anal – I LOVE anal sex, plugs, and beads. My favorite sexual act is for Him to hold me down and forcefully take my ass. I love the way it feels when He pushes my shoulders down and I present my ass to him. Just the thought of it makes me happy.  

New Car

He still surprises me often and today He topped them all.

Some wives get flowers when their husbands are gone. Or cute little love notes. But not me. My Sir bought me a new car! He is on the other side of the world and He found a way to buy a car here in the states.  Not just any car. A 2014 Nissan Pathfinder Platinum 4x4 with every little thing you could add to it. It is beautiful. It is more than anything I had ever expected. He is a wonderful Master and I am a very spoiled pet.

I did find out why He bought this SUV. It is large enough to put a crate in the back and has tie down points so that He can secure it. He has some devilish plans for me in mind 

Questions For Him #5

How do I see our relationship evolving in the future? 

I am not sure about this one. I have thoughts and fantasies that involve
playing in front of others. I want others to see what I can do to her, and what she does for me. I want others to feel the marks across her bare skin, to see the love she holds for me in her submission. I want to see another slave touch her in an understanding and supportive way. I want to attend get together's where she can kneel at my feet and nobody cares or looks at us funny or like we are weird. 

I am not sure that I could ever let another man touch her in the ways I do. I tend to be a very jealous man over my toys. I am not saying that it would never happen but who knows on that road. I do know that I want to see her grow even more into this role. I want to see how she takes on the new challenges of being in a new place and never taking her collar off. New to the area, nobody will know that it isn't a pretty necklace. And those that do know will share a quiet smile with us and go about their day. 

I want to see her blog grow and see how people read it and react to it. I look forward to getting her a tattoo that will be seen by all should she ever need to not wear the collar. I look forward to the idea of getting her nipples pierced and marking her further as mine. I can't wait to get home and see her in person with the new tail and ears I have bought her. The future holds so very much for us and I cannot wait to see it all unfold. 

30 Days Of Kink - Day One

Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I am a submissive. The thought of being a switch just freaks me out. I could never be in charge or force someone to do something. It just isn’t in me. 

By being a submissive I get to please Sir. I get to follow His desires and meet His needs with my body. Sometimes that means I get to be tied and restrained. He uses this time to play with my body and do whatever His hearts desires. Other times He likes for me to put up a little bit of a fight. Those nights are harder for me. My natural instinct is to submit to Him - not try to stop Him. It just goes against everything that I am.

I am a masochist. It took a long time for me to understand this and even longer for me to tell Sir.  I need to be under His control. It centers me. It lets me hand over my problems to Him so I can just focus on what is important. My servitude to Him. 

I used to worry about everything. I had to have lists and lists and more lists. I thought about problems that did not exists and stressed over things we had already done. I was miserable. He was miserable. Our child was miserable. This was not a healthy way for us to live. The day I handed Him everything I immediately felt better. I am not saying I completely forgot about all my worries but I did know that when they popped into my mind I could just ignore them. He had them. I didn't have to worry.

I have given Sir my body. He can use it in any way that pleases Him. I am available to Him sexually at all times. He can pierce or tattoo me. He can make me dress a certain way or get my nails done. He has complete control over me and He corrects me when I mess up. He uses lectures, spankings, corner time, and so many other things to help me become the Pet He desires.

It really is a simple life for me (and I am sure it is a lot of work for Him). I would not want to trade places or go back to the way it was before. 

Questions For Him #4

What Characteristics should a Dom/Master have?

A good Master needs to be strong and I don't mean muscles. It needs to be a mental strength, a fortitude that lets him be able to give orders and follow up to make sure that it is done. And be able to give out punishment as it is needed. Yet we also need to be able to have those moments where we need to have someone to break down to. Being able to just sit there and be held from time to time is the real strength that any person holds.  

Also a good Master has to be able to read their slave. I know my little pet so well that she never has to use her safe words. I can read her body language so well that I know the difference that one more swat will bring tears of shear pain and that of being done for the session being done. 

Fun With Lists

Brat came up with several kinky lists that are just amazing. She dared other bloggers to do it too. You can find her lists here. I think there are several things missing from the lists but it is definitely a great start.

I put smiley faces on the things I have done and a few little notes here and there.

 1. Kiss a girl   J

2. Have anal  J
3. Have a threesome J
4. Engage in group sex
5. Have phone sex  J - I actually paid for part of my college by doing phone sex!
6. Masturbate J
7. Use a vibrator J
8. Use a sex toy on someone else J
9. Be tied up J
10. Tie someone up
11. Have sex in a public space J
12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live porn does not count)
13. Sex in a car  J
14. Sex at a drive-in
15. Mile-high club
16. Sex with a stranger
17. One-night standJ
18. Married sex  J
19. Sex on a boat
20. Sex in a body of water J
21. Light spanking J And Hard Spankings. lol
22. Read erotica J
23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
24. Sex in the shower J
25. Sex standing up against a wall J
26. Sex with no kissing J
27. Sex in the pitch black J
28. Sex in the broad daylight J
29. Making out with no sex long after you're no longer a virgin J
30. Sex in a tent in the wilderness J
31. Watch porn together J
32. Watch porn alone
33. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
34. Sex on the beach

35. Blindfolds J
36. Using ice sexually J
37. Sexual role play
38. Whipped cream – I really don’t do food and sex – it is just yucky! lol
39. La Perla lingerie sex
40. Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie sex J - I am going to go with a yes since we do have costumes. And tails. And ears. And all kinds of fun things.
41. Sex with someone much older J
42. Sex with someone younger (legal!) J
43. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
44. A quickie in a skirt
45. A longie in the rain J
46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
47. Feather ticklers J
48. Sex while "altered" whether by alcohol or something else J
49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
50. Silent sex in a full house J
51. Sending naked photos to each another J
52. Talking really dirty J
53. Sex while someone is watching
54. Teasing your partner to the point of orgasm, over and over
55. Really loud sex J
56. Sex in a favorite position J
57. Sex in a new position J
58. Orgasming at the same time J
59. Sex with deep emotion and love J
60. Spending all day naked
61. Not sleeping all night J
62. Sex on the floor J
63. Sex while no one else knows you are doing it
64. Trying the 69 position J
65. Sex with a condom J - Never with Sir (He is allergic to condoms and it does not have a happy ending. )
66. Sex without a condom J
67. Oral sex with mints
68. Sex in the back of a movie theater
69. Sex with someone you're angry at J - Angry sex can be a lot of fun!
70. Masturbating during sex J
71. Having sexy nicknames with your partner J
72. Using a dildo and your man -- at the same time J
73. Feeding someone sexually
74. Sex in a chair J
75. Sex with constant eye contact J

And it keeps going!  

1. Have a male, female, male (MFM, MMF) threesome J
2. Have a female, male, female (FMF, FFM) threesome
3. Have sex with 4 or more people
4. Have sex with a person of the same gender
5. Have sex with another person, while your partner watches
6. Watch your partner have sex with another person
7. Have sex with your partner, while someone else watches
8. Have anal sex J
9. Have very rough sex J
10. Have very gentle sex J
11. Have sex without foreplay J
12. Have sex standing up J
13. Have sex kneeling J
14. Have sex facing away from your partner J
15. Have sex facing sideways J
16. Have sex with most of your clothes on J
17. Have sex with one article of clothing on J
18. Have sex without kissing J
19. Have extremely quiet sex J
20. Have extremely loud sex J
21. Have sex with a stranger
22. Have sex without orgasm J
23. Get your hair pulled during sex J
24. Have sex in an awkward/advanced position J
25. Change positions multiple times during sex J

Places to Have Sex

1. Have sex and videotape or webcam it J
2. Masturbate and videotape or webcam it J
3. Have an orgasm in front of people without them knowing
4. Have sex in public J
5. Have sex at a movie theater
6. Have sex in a car J
7. Have sex at a drive-thru
8. Have sex in a bathroom at a night club J
9. Have sex on a balcony or porch J
10. Have sex on an airplane
11. Have sex on public transit, including buses and taxi cabs
12. Have sex in the shower J
13. Have sex on the kitchen counter/table J
14. Have sex at work J
15. Have sex in the woods J
16. Have sex at a concert
17. Have sex for an audience
18. Have sex in the snow – Umm No. Does not even sound fun!
19. Have sex on a beach
20. Have sex in the bed of a pick up truck J
21. Have sex in an elevator J
22. Have cybersex J
23. Have sex in a church
24. Have sex on a building’s roof
25. Have sex in your parent’s house J
26. Sex in a graveyard
    
    

Equipment to Use

1. Find your favorite vibrator J And I agree with Brat - Hitachi wand
2. Discover a brand new dildo that you love J
3. Get some Ben Wa Balls and use them J
4. Get a Kegel Exerciser and use it
5. Use a Strap-On
6. Use Anal Beads J
7. Buy some lingerie J
8. Wear a cock ring ... n/a
9. Wear some lace, leather or latex J
10. Use a Butt Plug J
11. Wear wrist and/or ankle cuffs J
12. Get a blindfold on J
13. Wear a chastity device
14. Get a corset
15. Wear nipple clamps J
16. Purchase a mask or hood  J
17. Use play piercing needles – I don’t see this happening – Sir does not like needles.
18. Use a flogger, whip or cane J
19. Buy bondage tape or medical tape J
20. Get a sexy pair of shoes or boots J
21. Use household items as kinky toys J
22. Wear spreader bars J I LOVE the spreader bar!
23. Use furniture specifically designed for sex J
24. Use an unconventional sex toy, such as an ice dildo J
25. Use a fucking machine – Someday.

Learn Something New

1. Become familiar with your genitals J
2. Go to the strippers J - I love to go to strip clubs with Sir.
3. Go to the strippers on amateur night and perform
4. Watch porn with your partner J
5. Learn how to belly dance 
6. Take a pole dancing class
7. Attend a munch J
8. Attend a play party
9. Attend a sex-related workshop
10. Attend a sex-related class
11. Attend a sex-related conference, such as The Taboo Naughty but Nice Show
12. Read more erotic stories J
13. Read more sex-related blogs J
14. Get an informative sex-related book J
15. Blog/write about your own sexuality J
16. Learn about the Kama Sutra J
17. Get erotic photographs taken of yourself
18. Show your partner an erotic dance, or have them do one for you
19. Learn how to have great oral sex J
20. Learn how to give an erotic massage
21. Learn how to squirt
22. Subscribe to an erotic magazine J
23. Trim or shave your pubic hair J
24. Discover the art of rope bondage
25. Role Play J

Kinky Fucky Time

1. Have your genitals worshipped n/a
2. Have your genitals tortured
3. Play with a violet wand or TENS unit
4. Wear a gag J
5. Be put in a cage or confined – I get my first cage when Sir comes home!
6. Be humiliated or humiliate someone else
7. Have your breasts whipped
8. Experience sensory deprivation J
9. Have consensual non-consensual sex (rape play) 
10. Have marks left over the next day J

 I had a lot of fun going through these and I see a lot of things we need to try!

30 Days of Truth - Day One

Something you hate about yourself.

As I sit here thinking about this question I am not surprised by my first answer. I HATE my body. More specifically, I hate being overweight. I am not huge. I have nice boobs and I like my ass. But I have several pounds to loose.

But honestly that isn't what I hate the most. I hate that I hide my body. I hate that I dislike myself so much. I hate thinking if only I could lose a few more pounds I would feel pretty.  And I hate that I have always felt this way.

I grew up with two very slim sisters. They were (still are) skinny and treated me like I was a sumo wrestler. I starved myself in college and nearly had to be hospitalized. I look at pictures of that time and do not recognize myself. I was so thin. My bones stuck out and I looked sick. No wonder my family and Sir worried about me so much.  I was not fat but at that time I still wanted to lose another 15 pounds. I remember hating my body so much. I was so young and stupid.

Now I am 34. I still hate the way I look but, more than that, I Hate feeling this way. I hate having a voice in my head that says “You can’t do that – Your Fat” or “Don’t share that picture- Your Fat”. I have worked on this issue for years but I really do not think I will ever look at myself and see someone who is beautiful.

Sir and I are working on this together now. He has an amazing body. He exercises all the time because it is FUN. (I really think He is crazy.) He loves me the way I am and tells me how beautiful I am every day. I am not trying to be skinny anymore. I am trying to be healthy. I want to lose weight but the number is not as important as it used to be. I want to be able to keep up with Sir and my children. I want to feel good about myself. 

Questions, Questions, Questions

I just finished the 30 days of Submission questions and I am continually staring at a blank screen trying to come up with something to write about. It isn't working for me. I need Him here to give my life excitement.

I love to read blogs. It is what I do when I get a break from laundry and dishes and chores. I enjoy reading Brats blog (Mortuary Chick) and she has started working on a couple of new challenges- 30 Days of Kink and 30 Days of Truth. I figured I copied her on the first questions so I will just do the same with these.   :)

I hope it will help me find other things to write about and keep my blog from disappearing. Sir told me He liked the idea of more questions but if I start them I have to finish them in a timely manner. So I have a plan. I will do one question every other day and I will mix up the two lines of questions. Hopefully this will take me all the way to His homecoming.

Questions For Him #3

How do I see the pet dynamic playing out?

I am not sure on this one either. I want to see her grow as my pet. I see the pet dynamic much like the Daddy/little one (only without feeling odd about it) I am not saying there is anything wrong with any lifestyle, but I just can't do the Daddy thing. With the pet scene I am still her Master. I will always be her Master but with this, there comes some extra perks for me. I am not into bestiality by any means, but the ownership of a pet is like that of a slave. She will eat when I let her, use the restroom when it is time, get groomed regularly and yes.she will wear a tail and lay at my feet. It might be a clip on for her clothes, or it might be a plug inside of her. But she will wear one. She will not get on the furniture without permission. She will be shaved in all the right places. She will have a collar and leash. And I will throw her a bone when she is good and punish her when she is bad. I want to get a cage for her to sit in for her kneeling time. Her reflection time. I see it as a good thing for her to have her own time for a little while. But it will be under my rules, like everything else.

Strange Conversations

I was walking around a local store today trying to find something to send in the care package to Master and having no luck. Care packages are not cheap to mail so I wanted to make sure every little bit was full. Out of no where a friend of Sir's came running up to me. I know her but we are not friends. She is one of the only people who know about our lifestyle locally so I guess that makes us friends. I don't really know.

So.... I was walking through the store and she came running up to me. She was so excited and just HAD to tell me something. She leaned in and whispered, "I tried Anal and it was Wonderful." I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. When I finally got my mind together I told her, "Yes. Anal does feel good."

Then she skipped off. So very happy.

Questions for Him #2

What does D/s or M/s mean to you? How do you define your relationship?

The Dom/sub or Master/slave role in our life is something very special to me. I am a Dom. I am a Master. I am a Sir. I have a sub/slave/pet. She is mine. It is my job to provide for her and give her a place to feel safe. A place in order for her to be able to serve all of my needs as they come up. These may be sexual needs, or a clean house, or to ensure that I know where she is at all times. It is my job to provide for my little pet. I enjoy the responsibility that comes with it. I want to take care of her and pamper her like a high quality pet. You wouldn't treat this thing of beauty, this property, like trash. I make sure that her grooming standards are to my satisfaction. Everything from her nails, hair, clothes, looks, under wear - all of it - It is all mine to control and rule. I can choose to do this with care and love or I can choose to do this with pain and discipline. 

I do not abuse my little pet. What I do is not spousal abuse. It is a
correctional tool. I am making her into what she wants to be. No matter what her life growing up was, this is who she is now. This is our life 24/7. This is a very 50's household that we have. I am the man of the house. I make the rules and she follows them. I earn the money and I choose how we spend it. I pick what she eats, what she wears, how to use her body to my satisfaction.  

I have never been happier than I am in this role. It has helped with my
self-confidence. I am more in control of my life. I have PTSD and have
suffered mentally due to the things I have seen and done in war. This brings me back to a good place. A centered area that no therapists could have given me. 

At some point we may/will add more than we already have, but our roles are clearly defined. I am her Master. She is my pet. 

Questions For Him #1

I had several questions for Him after I finished my 30 days of submission. Sir was very open to the idea of answering some of them for me to put on my blog. It feels kinda strange to have someone else's words on my very personal blog but His answers are really wonderful.   :)

What did I learn in her 30 days of submission posts?

My pet just finished her 30 days of submission and I think I may have learned more than she did. I saw her grow when she realized that she was really in the role that she was meant to be in. That her consent to this role, her commitment to her place in this world, was seeded so many years ago. It is my job to ensure that she is always safe and taken care of. She knows that she can talk to me about anything as long as she does it in the right way. And she knows what the right way is. She is willing to grow in this role and her knowing this, her realizing this, has made me happier than I have ever been in my life.