Three Months of Silence

So much has happened in the last three months but nothing has really changed in our dynamic. Utah is really amazing. We spent the summer camping, kayaking, fishing, and getting to know each other again as a family. We both changed so much over our year apart and our relationship really took a hit. 

So here I am trying to find my voice during our time apart. He is gone again (only three weeks) and I have way to much time to think. I love our life but I still miss everything we had before His deployment. I miss the structure and the expectations. I miss knowing what He wants me to do instead of spending my day doing whatever I decide. I don't have the drive to push myself. I don't want to make those decisions for myself. I have (well had) Him for that. 

We have grown so much on the other side of our relationship. It isn't as often but it is more fulfilling for both of us. He has grown more comfortable with causing me real pain during sex. He has found a way to actually hit my rear end that does not sting but hurts deep within  my muscle. It is a wonderful solid hit that I can feel through out my body - and then again the next day as I walk or sit. It leaves a beautiful deep purple bruise that I can see for days. 

I don't know if I will write here often or not. I kinda feel like a pretender since we are so far from what we used to be. It does feel good though. 

Lots of Ears Around

After my last post, Daddy has brought up the topic several times. I know He is trying to work through everything in order to be a better leader for me. The situation has been complicated with a visit from His father. We can't openly talk about our issues and He is unable to express all of His wishes as long as His father is here.

We have talked quietly at night behind closed doors. It isn't the complete overhaul I desire but I am still hopeful.

Missing Pieces

I am probably going to regret this post. Even as I write it I can see the problems it could create but at the moment I need to get my thoughts out. The deployment and the move have wrecked havoc on our dynamic. We are good but there are so many things missing from our relationship.

I do everything I used to. I take care of our home. I figure the bills for Him to approve. I cook our meals. I take care of the boys and run them everywhere. I let Him know where I am and what I am doing all the time. But so much is missing. I get no guidance. He doesn't tell me what He wants me to do. Its like He set me to autopilot and just turned me loose. I was looking forward to the structure He brings to my life but I don't have that right now.

Other than the one spanking for my attitude, He doesn't seem to care how I behave. I am not saying that I am acting like a brat all the time but I know I am not that good. I mess up all the time. I know I do. I don't know if He is giving me space on purpose or if He just doesn't want to put in the effort to correct me. It kinda falls back onto the structure thing. I am just missing the consequences - the good and the bad - that come with my actions.

Our sex life is hit and miss. We had sex several times a week before He left - sometimes several times a day - but now we are lucky to do it once a week. Normal, almost vanilla, sex. No bells and whistles. He always makes sure I have an orgasm but I don't FEEL anything the next day. I am not sore. I don't have any marks or bruises. Feeling Him that way the next day puts me in my happy submissive place. I need to be in that place. It just feels so far away right now.

Now that I have it all spelled out I feel like a complaining little kid. I know this lifestyle isn't all about me and that I need to follow Him. It is His schedule and His plan. I just hope He has an idea of where we are going.

Sometimes Best Friends Can Surprise You

We have been doing this thing for years and know very few people in real life that share our lifestyle or views. We have the most amazing best friends who live across the country that we would never dream of telling about our lifestyle. They are very vanilla.

Recently during our daily text conversations she has brought up little things like me getting Daddy's plate or me asking Him if I could go somewhere. It had me starting to question things. Then recently she dropped a Huge confession. She has asked her husband to consider a Dom/sub lifestyle. I almost died. She went on to tell me how they have been playing at it in the bedroom and how she really thinks it is what she wants all the time. Then she straight out asked me about our life.

She is the one woman in my life that never judges me. She is closer to me than anyone in my family. I love her and can not imagine loosing my best friend. And she asked me about our lifestyle. I couldn't lie to her. Not her.

So I told her bits and pieces. I told her we had been doing this for years and that it is the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. I offered to answer any questions she may have but that she needed to really think about things before she asked. Somethings you just can never unhear.

She hasn't asked for a lot of personal details but it has been really nice to be able to talk to her about this. Her husband isn't sure this is what he wants so she is waiting for him to take the next step. Personally I think it would do them a lot of good. I have thought many times that he just needed to put a stop to some of her bad behaviors.

I don't know where their relationship is going but I hope they are able to find what makes them happy. And I am very thankful to be able to talk to her a little bit about this side of my life.

Good but Not Right

So much is going right, but something still feels off about our life. We are starting to get the swing of things and the move is just another milestone in our life now. We have a schedule (that is messed up with the start of summer) and are finding our places around our new home. But we are still not "us".

Maybe we never will be again. I hope that isn't the case but He has been home for four months now and we have not made that much progress. I am not going to give up but until we are back to "normal" I will just have to write about more mundane things like my garden and our home.

So....

With the move came a lot of changes. One of which is my new garden plot. I have never had a garden away from the house but I am really enjoying it. We will get to keep it as long as we live here so it is kinda like our own little farm. Daddy has helped me get everything planted and set up. We spent last weekend out there putting down mulch on almost half of it since we are fighting weeds like crazy. I refuse to use any chemicals out there so everything is done the old fashion way with lots of hard work and tears. I really think we are going to have a great harvest off of our little piece of land.

Another thing that has changed (or is in the process of changing) is our finances. Daddy asked me to figure out a way for us to stick to an actual budget. We are horrible with impulse buying and that ends up hurting our long term goals. I started using "You Need A Budget" with all their helpful classes and programs. I really like it and I think it will actually make a huge difference in the long run. Daddy still approves our spending but we both are able to focus more on the goals and less on the impulses. We will see how we feel about it in a few months.

It feels really good to be able to put some of my thoughts back into my blog. Hopefully I don't bore everyone to death. Now I am off to pick up the oldest monster from his last day of school and to brave Walmart for two little items.

Chickens, Rules, and Trouble

About a month ago Daddy surprised me with a box of adorable little chickens. They were all fluff and peeps. I was instantly in love with them. We set up their own little yard with a cute little coop. Every day I spend time cleaning their dishes and watching them scratch the ground looking for little bugs and snacks. They are just wonderful. 

Today we had a storm come in and my little babies were running around in their yard. Daddy told me He would take care of them for me and for me to stay in the house dry and safe. It wasn't that hard of a thing to do. Just stay put. But nope....Not me. I had to do the exact opposite of what He said. I went out and put the girls in the coop while He was getting their food. He didn't really say anything but I got that "look". 

I really need to start listening. How hard is it to just do what He says? I don't have that many rules. He doesn't ask me to do crazy things. He just wanted me to stay inside out of the storm but I just had to go out. 

I am sure I will hear more about this when the kids are in bed. 

Smart Mouth Problems

I think He is getting His groove back. Apparently I have a smart mouth and that causes problems for my hind end. I didn't even realize I had been telling Him what to do or ignoring His requests but He noticed. I was making the bed and He walked up next to me and placed a hand on my back. The next thing I knew He had me bent over the bed and placed a firm swat against my back side.

I was a good girl....for about three swats.

Then it all went down hill. Fast.

Throwing elbows during a spanking is never a wise move, but actually making contact with Daddy's jaw was completely stupid. He is stronger than He looks and can hold me in place with just one hand. And that leaves His other hand for swinging. My back side hurt so much and by the time I was allowed up I felt horrible for acting the way I did.

It may take me a while to remember my place but I am really glad He is starting to take control again.

Still Trying

Its almost May and I can not believe how fast this year is flying by. The house is unpacked and starting to feel like home. The boys are settled into their schools and have made friends. Daddy and I are starting to reconnect and are talking about where we want it to go in the future.

The changes have thrown me into a weird place. I don't really have any structure. Projects are not getting done. I find myself wanting to lay around and do nothing which is never good. I know I need to talk to Him about this but how do I say it?

No Biggy....I am sure we will eventually get back on track.

Helping a Fellow Blogger

I have read many blogs for a long time and one of them is Kink and Poly. Jade has shared her life with her readers for a long time and has become a cyber friend to many. She lives with two men who she loves and now her life is being torn apart by judgmental and closed minded family members. 

Please go read her story, and if you can, please donate towards her legal fees. Warren's family has taken his stroke as an opportunity to tear him away from the life he has created. His lifestyle (like most of ours) is not up to his family- it is a personal choice that he made before his illness. 


http://www.gofundme.com/jadewarrenadam

Settling In

The move is finally over. We are in our home.

The boxes are still stacked in the guest room and the garage but I am slowly getting everything set up. We have TV and internet so I can at least have a little contact with the outside world. The boys are settling in at their new schools and they really like them. We are playing catch up with A since they require a lot more of Kindergartners here than they did at our last base. D is still way ahead of his class but they are working to set up a more challenging program for him.

Daddy is settling in at work and is already leaving again. I know it is His job and I know that He loves it but really????  He just got home and we just moved so I am not ready to send Him away again - even for a short trip.

Our life is nothing like it was a year ago but I am sure we will all get into the swing of things. I am going to try to catch up on blogs in the next couple of days.

Move Update

We are officially in Utah.

Our move did not go smoothly. We drove for two days in a blizzard pulling trailers through the mountains. The snow and ice was so bad that my Pathfinder was having a hard time. The ice was completely packed into the engine and the trailer I pulled was so covered in ice that it pulled the wiring for the lights completely off the trailer. We did not make it to the reserved cabin the first day. Thankfully we found a hotel that would take most of our animals (and we snuck in everyone else).

We drove 12 hours the second day and made it to Salt Lake City during rush hour, in a snow storm, with no trailers lights. I am proud to say that I drove through it all and I made it safely to the boarding facility and no one died. AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!

So we are in a hotel for the next week or so. Nothing really fun is going on and we are just trying to find some sort of normalcy.

"Master Bedroom Toys"

The military has contracts with civilian moving companies to help shuffle everyone from base to base. It is a wonderful part of moving if you like to have complete strangers go through your stuff. It gets even better when you live the kind of life that we do. We carefully went through the Master Bedroom and packed all our toys, and kink, and anything that could be considered Non Vanilla. We boxed it up and labeled it "Clothes". This should be the end of it. But no. We had the crew that liked their job. We had the crew who labeled everything. They even repacked boxes that we had already set a side.

So now you see where this is going.

Our box labeled "clothes" is now repacked. And they labeled it "Master Bedroom Toys".

Yup. Every person who handles our home goods will see that box. Everyone will know that we have enough toys to fill a large box.

We should have just bought a billboard and told the world.


On a happy note. Our house is packed and they come tomorrow to load it all up. Then I get the fun of finishing the house for renters and taking care of a family of four with nothing but a few boxes worth of stuff. I am such a lucky girl.  

Monsters in the Shadows

Every deployment takes a little more of Him away. Every time He goes away a less of Him comes home to me. The doctors call it PTSD but that makes it sound so innocent. Like it can be put in a little box with labels. In reality, PTSD is an ever changing monster that hides in the shadows of the man I love. One minute He is laughing and playing and the next He is gone. I can see the shadows fall across His eyes. I can see the torture He is facing alone and yet there is nothing I can do for Him in that moment.

Crowded restaurants have become a trigger for Him again. And bridges. And trash piles near the road. I know they will slowly fade and He will return to me again. His dreams will haunt Him less and He will eventually get a good nights sleep. It really makes me wonder what He sees over there. He is one of the strongest people I know but those images haunt him months and even years later. It must be some terrible things.

He wont tell me and for the most part I am ok with that decision. I know there is evil in the world. I watch the news and I read the papers but I am still able to live in my little bubble. He protects me from the horrible things He faces over there and I am very thankful for that. I worry enough about Him without knowing the actual Hell He walks into during every deployment.

I like to picture Him sitting on a beach drinking a beer. I do not want to know what His monsters look like because if they can do this to Him - I would not stand a chance.

House Hunting

We have had a crazy couple of weeks. He returned on Saturday and we flew to our next base to house hunt on Wednesday. The boys went to spend the week with my parents so we were able to have a little time together. I personally HATE to fly. Well I take that back - I love to fly. They just need to come up with a way to fly without take offs and landings.

We spent three days looking at houses with our Realtor. They all started to blend together after about the first five. By the 30th house I was completely lost. Thankfully we took lots of pictures of the "Maybe" homes and had one "It will Work Home" in the mix. Then we saw THE HOUSE. It took less than 5 minutes before we were sure it was the one. We were the first family to see the house but after only 10 minutes there another family showed up. Our Realtor left in a run to put in our offer. After a short bidding war they took our offer and we went under contract on our new home on Monday. It is perfect and I even get my own room for crafts and (as Daddy calls it) crap. I think it will also be a great guest room. Maybe. I may not want to share.

The house is huge compared to our current one- Almost 600 sq ft bigger. I did not think it would make that much difference but it really does. The best part about the house is that the boys will be on the lower floor and we will be upstairs. We will finally be able to have a little privacy.

The boys are so excited and have spent a lot of time looking over the pictures we brought them. They have already claimed the family room since it house surround sound for their video games. There is even talk about putting in "gaming" chairs instead of traditional furniture. I really think I will win that fight.

We finally returned home on Tuesday and have been running ever since. The amount of stuff left to do is overwhelming but I am sure it will all get done. They come to pack the house in two days so I have to get ready to "camp" in almost empty houses for the next month. I really hope we are able to close on our new house a little early but I do not think we are that lucky.

Homecomings and Strangers

Seeing Daddy walk off the plane was probably one of the best moments of my life. He ran through the gates and was immediately tackled by the boys. Then it was my turn. Getting to touch Him again was so amazing. The hugs and kisses were what I was missing for so many months. The weight I had been carrying around with me for so long just lifted away.

The drive home was spent holding hands and kissing necks and teasing one another. (And He finally was able to drive the Pathfinder that He bought me while over there. Thankfully He likes it!) Two hours had passed by before we were finally home, the kids were in bed, and we were able to be alone.

We have loved each other for over 15 years, yet at that moment, we were strangers again. The awkward touches and hesitant words said so much more than their surface meanings. Learning to be together again at times can be new and exciting, but for the most part it is a like inviting a stranger to live in the shadows of a former love. He will never be the same man He was before this deployment. I can never be the same girl. Too much has happened. We have changed too much.

Tick Tock

All the fun of His return has started.


Hair Appointments

Nail Appointments

New Clothes

Cleaning the House

Getting the Boys Ready


And waiting the last few days and hours. The time just crawls by when you get to this point. I know when He gets on His first flight but I don't know anything else until He lands at the closest airport. Sometime soon He will step on US soil again. Sometime soon He will board the last plane and fly home to me.

Why can't I just fast forward to the moment of my first hug?

Dates and Times

We finally have the information I have wanted for the last eight months. I know when Daddy will fly into the nearby city. The deployment is almost over but it really takes weeks or months for our family to recover from so much time apart.

We have tried to keep our "lifestyle" while He was on the other side of the world. It is really hard. I am naturally submissive and like to follow Him but when He deploys I have to take over so many of His normal roles. I have spent eight months doing the things that normally fall on His shoulders. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and did not wait for permission or for His blessings. I have to hand back over all of my freedom when Daddy gets off the plane. It will be an adjustment....I think that is just a nice way to say hell. It takes a lot of pushing and pulling and shaping to get everything to fit again.

Our relationship will never be what it was before He left. We are not the same people we were when we kissed goodbye. We can't go back. Once all our pieces are put back together I do feel we will be stronger and better than before.

Done. Just Done.

He still is not home.

We don't know when He will be home.

I am so done with this deployment.

Schools and Problems

It has been a crazy week. I don't even know where to start on this.

Our oldest came in this week and announced that he was being transferred out of his PE class and put into art. I was a little surprised since we had not had any notice and he LOVES to take PE. I of course started asking all the questions.

Did you get into trouble?
       Seriously??? (I even got the eye roll. lol)
Did they move only you?
       No
How do you feel about this move?
       Its ok. My friends moved too. And I might like Art. 
What do you want me to do about this?
       Just leave it alone. I don't want to leave my friends. 
Why do you think they moved you?
       Well....Ummm.... (He knew I would not like the answer. He was so right)

Well after a lot of questions this Momma was PISSED.

D was moved to art (along with 11 other boys) because they are "SKINNY". The school then moved 12 "FAT" kids into their place.

WHAT THE FUCK???

My son was discriminated against because he is healthy and has great genes from his Dad. And I feel so sorry for the other 23 boys they did this too. I was beyond upset and waited until D was at school the next day to tell Daddy. To say the least, Daddy was pissed (and thankfully on the other side of the world.)

I spent that morning at the school talking to the principle and trying to understand what they were thinking. Apparently they were not thinking. He told me that some kids just needed more time in the gym than our son did and that D could use some time in art.

I really wanted to throw things and yell but I kept my cool. D will enjoy his time in art and then in 6 weeks we will move. He has always been allowed to make these decisions and I will not change that now.

This is the second time this school district has discriminated against my boys. I am so over New Mexico.

January

The month of January is slowly going by. I have someone installing new flooring in the main part of the house, repairing some base boards, and other general flooring stuff so my house has been torn apart for two weeks. Thankfully it is all almost done and I now get to paint and stain the last of it.

January was also when He was coming home but the Military has decided again that they are more important than our schedule. So He will be home in February. And we have to move across the country before March 1. This just doesn't work in my mind. We asked for a delay but it was turned down. I just don't know what to do. I am looking at houses online and we have a Realtor that is really nice. I just don't want to be homeless with two kids, three dogs, a cat, a tortoise, four fish, and a snake. I don't think it would be fun.

So I am working on the house - trying to keep it show ready for potential renters/buyers. The boys seem to think that they can destroy everything each night and some magic fairy cleans it up for them in the morning. I am so sick of picking up Legos and making beds. I will say that I am very happy with the way the house looks.  I wish we could live in a staged house all the time but I am sure I would eventually miss all my things I have put into storage.