I am probably going to regret this post. Even as I write it I can see the problems it could create but at the moment I need to get my thoughts out. The deployment and the move have wrecked havoc on our dynamic. We are good but there are so many things missing from our relationship.
I do everything I used to. I take care of our home. I figure the bills for Him to approve. I cook our meals. I take care of the boys and run them everywhere. I let Him know where I am and what I am doing all the time. But so much is missing. I get no guidance. He doesn't tell me what He wants me to do. Its like He set me to autopilot and just turned me loose. I was looking forward to the structure He brings to my life but I don't have that right now.
Other than the one spanking for my attitude, He doesn't seem to care how I behave. I am not saying that I am acting like a brat all the time but I know I am not that good. I mess up all the time. I know I do. I don't know if He is giving me space on purpose or if He just doesn't want to put in the effort to correct me. It kinda falls back onto the structure thing. I am just missing the consequences - the good and the bad - that come with my actions.
Our sex life is hit and miss. We had sex several times a week before He left - sometimes several times a day - but now we are lucky to do it once a week. Normal, almost vanilla, sex. No bells and whistles. He always makes sure I have an orgasm but I don't FEEL anything the next day. I am not sore. I don't have any marks or bruises. Feeling Him that way the next day puts me in my happy submissive place. I need to be in that place. It just feels so far away right now.
Now that I have it all spelled out I feel like a complaining little kid. I know this lifestyle isn't all about me and that I need to follow Him. It is His schedule and His plan. I just hope He has an idea of where we are going.