I am probably going to regret this post. Even as I write it I can see the problems it could create but at the moment I need to get my thoughts out. The deployment and the move have wrecked havoc on our dynamic. We are good but there are so many things missing from our relationship.
I do everything I used to. I take care of our home. I figure the bills for Him to approve. I cook our meals. I take care of the boys and run them everywhere. I let Him know where I am and what I am doing all the time. But so much is missing. I get no guidance. He doesn't tell me what He wants me to do. Its like He set me to autopilot and just turned me loose. I was looking forward to the structure He brings to my life but I don't have that right now.
Other than the one spanking for my attitude, He doesn't seem to care how I behave. I am not saying that I am acting like a brat all the time but I know I am not that good. I mess up all the time. I know I do. I don't know if He is giving me space on purpose or if He just doesn't want to put in the effort to correct me. It kinda falls back onto the structure thing. I am just missing the consequences - the good and the bad - that come with my actions.
Our sex life is hit and miss. We had sex several times a week before He left - sometimes several times a day - but now we are lucky to do it once a week. Normal, almost vanilla, sex. No bells and whistles. He always makes sure I have an orgasm but I don't FEEL anything the next day. I am not sore. I don't have any marks or bruises. Feeling Him that way the next day puts me in my happy submissive place. I need to be in that place. It just feels so far away right now.
Now that I have it all spelled out I feel like a complaining little kid. I know this lifestyle isn't all about me and that I need to follow Him. It is His schedule and His plan. I just hope He has an idea of where we are going.
Sorry to hear things have taken this turn. Yes, you need to follow him but he needs to lead for you to follow. And he needs to have a schedule and a plan for you to follow. Congrats on speaking up in your blog and let's hope it will spark a conversation that will get the two of you back on track in this lifestyle. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFD .
Thank you FD. It is difficult to bring up problems sometimes so I am very thankful for my Blog. I know He reads it every time I post. It has started a few conversations and I am sure we will continue to work everything out.
DeleteMP
MP- I so understand this and wish I had words of wisdom to help you . We are 2 years since his return and for us it will never be the same- for many reasons- but that doesn't mean it is not good. I think that doing what they do over there - does change them (forever) , although I knew that going into this as well. Conversation does help- Master is trying to get back to "who he was". We talk about it (alot) but I also know that like you said it has to be on HIS schedule and his plan. I pray you and he find your way- patience is so important as we know. I am glad you posted as well- I know it is not easy.
ReplyDelete~faithful
Thank you Faithful.
DeleteIt feels like every deployment takes a little more of Him away from me. And just when I adjust and come to terms with the new "us" they send Him away again. It is exhausting redefining yourself every year or two.
But I love Him and our life so I will keep adjusting. Thankfully my post brought the subject to light and we have talked about it a little bit.
MP