Monday, February 16, 2015

Monsters in the Shadows

Every deployment takes a little more of Him away. Every time He goes away a less of Him comes home to me. The doctors call it PTSD but that makes it sound so innocent. Like it can be put in a little box with labels. In reality, PTSD is an ever changing monster that hides in the shadows of the man I love. One minute He is laughing and playing and the next He is gone. I can see the shadows fall across His eyes. I can see the torture He is facing alone and yet there is nothing I can do for Him in that moment.

Crowded restaurants have become a trigger for Him again. And bridges. And trash piles near the road. I know they will slowly fade and He will return to me again. His dreams will haunt Him less and He will eventually get a good nights sleep. It really makes me wonder what He sees over there. He is one of the strongest people I know but those images haunt him months and even years later. It must be some terrible things.

He wont tell me and for the most part I am ok with that decision. I know there is evil in the world. I watch the news and I read the papers but I am still able to live in my little bubble. He protects me from the horrible things He faces over there and I am very thankful for that. I worry enough about Him without knowing the actual Hell He walks into during every deployment.

I like to picture Him sitting on a beach drinking a beer. I do not want to know what His monsters look like because if they can do this to Him - I would not stand a chance.

6 comments:

  1. I know I could never imagine and this is probably of little comfort but please let him know that I truly appreciate his service to our country. As parents of a child in the service, we have been very lucky and thankful that our son has been spared this type of deployment so far.

    xx

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    1. Thank you.

      I will add your child to my nightly prayers. And please know I truly appreciate their service too.

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  2. This seems to be the sad and awful truth for so many service men and women. The general public are so unaware of how this impacts on them and their families and from my understanding the military are incapable of really addressing the issue. I am truly thankful for his service and those of countless others. I trust that you are both getting the support and counselling you need so that this doesn't have too greater impact on you both. Thank you both. DtBHC.

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    1. We are lucky to have a great support system and this time He has reached out from the beginning. He has a great group of ex-military guys who understand what He is facing and they are always available. I am hopeful that the transition will go smoothly for Him and that the shadows will fade.

      Thank you for your concern. It really does mean a lot to me. Pet

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  3. Hi Pet- I am glad he is home safe, but sadly like you I understand the long term effects of War and how they never really "fully" come back to us. I just spent a week at Masters and although back now for over 1 year from last deployment he is still suffering. Different things this time and he is a different man. I will always support and Love him. He is my life . I knew what I was getting into when I committed to him, but life is not easy. I am glad you do have a good support system. Master just now is talking about getting help next week. I. He does share lots with me, especially the pics and video's he has- sometimes I wish he wouldn't. All we can do is be there for them and continue to be selfless to allow them to heal. I pray you and your family have better days ahead. He is lucky to have you!

    ~faithful

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    1. Thank you. I am glad your Master is finally reaching out for help. It is great that he can open up to you. I sometimes wish Daddy would talk to me more, but I understand why he doesn't. We still have many years of deployments ahead of us and my imagination is a terrible thing late at night when he is gone.

      I will pray for you and your Master as well. I hope he is able to find some peace in the future. I am always here if you need to talk.

      Pet

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