Missing Pieces

I am probably going to regret this post. Even as I write it I can see the problems it could create but at the moment I need to get my thoughts out. The deployment and the move have wrecked havoc on our dynamic. We are good but there are so many things missing from our relationship.

I do everything I used to. I take care of our home. I figure the bills for Him to approve. I cook our meals. I take care of the boys and run them everywhere. I let Him know where I am and what I am doing all the time. But so much is missing. I get no guidance. He doesn't tell me what He wants me to do. Its like He set me to autopilot and just turned me loose. I was looking forward to the structure He brings to my life but I don't have that right now.

Other than the one spanking for my attitude, He doesn't seem to care how I behave. I am not saying that I am acting like a brat all the time but I know I am not that good. I mess up all the time. I know I do. I don't know if He is giving me space on purpose or if He just doesn't want to put in the effort to correct me. It kinda falls back onto the structure thing. I am just missing the consequences - the good and the bad - that come with my actions.

Our sex life is hit and miss. We had sex several times a week before He left - sometimes several times a day - but now we are lucky to do it once a week. Normal, almost vanilla, sex. No bells and whistles. He always makes sure I have an orgasm but I don't FEEL anything the next day. I am not sore. I don't have any marks or bruises. Feeling Him that way the next day puts me in my happy submissive place. I need to be in that place. It just feels so far away right now.

Now that I have it all spelled out I feel like a complaining little kid. I know this lifestyle isn't all about me and that I need to follow Him. It is His schedule and His plan. I just hope He has an idea of where we are going.

Chickens, Rules, and Trouble

About a month ago Daddy surprised me with a box of adorable little chickens. They were all fluff and peeps. I was instantly in love with them. We set up their own little yard with a cute little coop. Every day I spend time cleaning their dishes and watching them scratch the ground looking for little bugs and snacks. They are just wonderful. 

Today we had a storm come in and my little babies were running around in their yard. Daddy told me He would take care of them for me and for me to stay in the house dry and safe. It wasn't that hard of a thing to do. Just stay put. But nope....Not me. I had to do the exact opposite of what He said. I went out and put the girls in the coop while He was getting their food. He didn't really say anything but I got that "look". 

I really need to start listening. How hard is it to just do what He says? I don't have that many rules. He doesn't ask me to do crazy things. He just wanted me to stay inside out of the storm but I just had to go out. 

I am sure I will hear more about this when the kids are in bed. 

Smart Mouth Problems

I think He is getting His groove back. Apparently I have a smart mouth and that causes problems for my hind end. I didn't even realize I had been telling Him what to do or ignoring His requests but He noticed. I was making the bed and He walked up next to me and placed a hand on my back. The next thing I knew He had me bent over the bed and placed a firm swat against my back side.

I was a good girl....for about three swats.

Then it all went down hill. Fast.

Throwing elbows during a spanking is never a wise move, but actually making contact with Daddy's jaw was completely stupid. He is stronger than He looks and can hold me in place with just one hand. And that leaves His other hand for swinging. My back side hurt so much and by the time I was allowed up I felt horrible for acting the way I did.

It may take me a while to remember my place but I am really glad He is starting to take control again.

Dates and Times

We finally have the information I have wanted for the last eight months. I know when Daddy will fly into the nearby city. The deployment is almost over but it really takes weeks or months for our family to recover from so much time apart.

We have tried to keep our "lifestyle" while He was on the other side of the world. It is really hard. I am naturally submissive and like to follow Him but when He deploys I have to take over so many of His normal roles. I have spent eight months doing the things that normally fall on His shoulders. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and did not wait for permission or for His blessings. I have to hand back over all of my freedom when Daddy gets off the plane. It will be an adjustment....I think that is just a nice way to say hell. It takes a lot of pushing and pulling and shaping to get everything to fit again.

Our relationship will never be what it was before He left. We are not the same people we were when we kissed goodbye. We can't go back. Once all our pieces are put back together I do feel we will be stronger and better than before.

Daddy

It is the end of December. We are getting closer to Him coming home - Just a few more weeks. A while back we started talking about how using the title Master or Sir just did not fit our relationship anymore. He is my world. He is loving and caring and likes to make me smile. We are not about protocol or rituals (we do have some though). We are about love, and structure, and Him providing for me.

It has become more clear to us the more we have talked during this deployment. I have found that I like calling him Daddy. It isn't as weird as I thought it would be. I like Him taking care of me and the new title just shows how much He really does for me. I know everything may change when He comes home. We have not tried any of this in person. 

A few days ago He told me to take a nap. I was exhausted and have not slept much since He left. It was wonderful. I actually slept for 3 hours and woke up feeling great. I didn't wake up with guilt over not doing anything. I didn't worry about not finishing my chores. I just took a nap, like a child, because He told me to. It was a huge eye opener.

I worry about when He comes home and we try this in person. I am afraid it will sound silly or make me giggle. Or even worse - not work for Him the way it does for me. I know the overall structure of our relationship will not change. I know He will always provide for me. I know He will always be the leader of our relationship but what if He decides He wants more protocol. What if He wants a true "slave" with all the rules and restrictions? I really like the way the DD/lg is building and I don't think I want to go back.

The distance is really starting to wear me down. I have lots of time alone to think about things that I would never question if He was home. Oh well...Just a few more weeks. 

New Car

He still surprises me often and today He topped them all.

Some wives get flowers when their husbands are gone. Or cute little love notes. But not me. My Sir bought me a new car! He is on the other side of the world and He found a way to buy a car here in the states.  Not just any car. A 2014 Nissan Pathfinder Platinum 4x4 with every little thing you could add to it. It is beautiful. It is more than anything I had ever expected. He is a wonderful Master and I am a very spoiled pet.

I did find out why He bought this SUV. It is large enough to put a crate in the back and has tie down points so that He can secure it. He has some devilish plans for me in mind 

30 Days Of Kink - Day One

Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I am a submissive. The thought of being a switch just freaks me out. I could never be in charge or force someone to do something. It just isn’t in me. 

By being a submissive I get to please Sir. I get to follow His desires and meet His needs with my body. Sometimes that means I get to be tied and restrained. He uses this time to play with my body and do whatever His hearts desires. Other times He likes for me to put up a little bit of a fight. Those nights are harder for me. My natural instinct is to submit to Him - not try to stop Him. It just goes against everything that I am.

I am a masochist. It took a long time for me to understand this and even longer for me to tell Sir.  I need to be under His control. It centers me. It lets me hand over my problems to Him so I can just focus on what is important. My servitude to Him. 

I used to worry about everything. I had to have lists and lists and more lists. I thought about problems that did not exists and stressed over things we had already done. I was miserable. He was miserable. Our child was miserable. This was not a healthy way for us to live. The day I handed Him everything I immediately felt better. I am not saying I completely forgot about all my worries but I did know that when they popped into my mind I could just ignore them. He had them. I didn't have to worry.

I have given Sir my body. He can use it in any way that pleases Him. I am available to Him sexually at all times. He can pierce or tattoo me. He can make me dress a certain way or get my nails done. He has complete control over me and He corrects me when I mess up. He uses lectures, spankings, corner time, and so many other things to help me become the Pet He desires.

It really is a simple life for me (and I am sure it is a lot of work for Him). I would not want to trade places or go back to the way it was before. 

Day Thirty

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

 Yes,  my needs are being met. We have different challenges to face than most M/s couples since He is currently deployed. I am still submissive. I still follow the rules. I ask for permission to buy anything over $50. But… He is not here for our daily routines. He cannot pet me while we watch TV. I cannot meet him at the door after work with a smile and a kiss.

I am still happy and content in our life but I have so much missing. I do not want to picture my life without Him in it. (It is a very real fear for me right now.) If I did not have Him I would probably never be submissive to anyone again. It is a connection between us that gives me this mindset and I do not think I would be able to find this ‘happy spot’ without Him. 

Day Twenty Nine

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain is a large part of our relationship and one of the first ways we started exploring this side of our relationship. I enjoy pain and find it to be closely tied to my orgasms. Spankings – ones that I really feel the next day- just fuel my submission. We don’t participate in a lot humiliation activities and I am thankful for that. I have a lot of body image issues and anything “humiliating” would just be too much for me. The closest we come to this is the pictures I post on here that He really likes. It is very hard for me to put those images out there for everyone to see but I do not find it humiliating. I do not think we could have this lifestyle and not include pain. It is too much a part of who we are as a couple. 

Day Twenty Eight

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Wow there is a lot in this question. I think I will break it down a little bit.

Has your submission every let you down?

No. I only submit to my Master and I trust Him completely with everything in my life. His choices are usually better than my own. I cannot see it letting me down because He doesn't let me down.

Have you ever been criticized for your submission?

Yes, but not in a direct way. I have had family and friends make comments about how “weak” a woman would have to be to be submissive to her husband. Then EVERYONE read 50 Shades and the conversations never ended. I heard everything from M/s is abuse to “that lifestyle has to be made-up”. It doesn't really bother me anymore because I know how great my life is.

Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Yes I make mistakes. Everyone does. Thankfully I have a great Master and we work through everything together. 

Day Twenty Five

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

We really do keep our relationship quiet and cannot display it for the world to see. I have a beautiful collar that Sir bought me before He left. You can see it here. It is wonderful and feels great when I wear it. It is heavy so I cannot forget it is there and it would help keep me in my submissive mind set. I was only able to wear it at home a couple of times but it was amazing. He had me kneel in front of Him as He put it on me and I have never felt more submissive. I cannot wait for Him to return and place it on me once again. With the upcoming move I plan on just wearing it every day. It is pretty and I can change out pendants to make it look any way I want. I don't think people who don't know me would question it. 

Day Twenty Four

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

My submissive feeling go hand in hand with my emotions. Some times I feel like a roller coaster of emotions and usually He is the only who can see it. He can put my feelings into words better than I can. He knows my emotions and what I need before I do. Sometimes I just need to ‘feel’ something, anything, and that is when He will give me a good girl spanking. It usually helps me reset my emotions and move on.

I find that I am most submissive after I have felt lonely. (Like now and His deployment) I would do almost anything He asked after having some time apart. We actually grow more in our M/s relationship when He is gone than we do when He is home with me.

I find that when I am in a happy or energetic mood I get into trouble. I like to joke around and get sassy which do not usually go smoothly with being a slave. He likes it for a little while but then I think He gets tired of it. I get “that look” when He has had enough. 

Day Twenty Three

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I used to question everything about being a submissive. In my family it was taught to never need a man. Never depend on him to provide for you.  Never trust him. I was to grow up, have a career, and be independent. Falling in love was the last thing I ever thought I would do and certainly not so young. He was a one night stand that just never seemed to end. He was unlike any man I had ever been around and He treated me better than anyone ever had.

It did not take me long to realize that He was my everything.  I gave up my career for Him. I followed Him from Air Force Base to Air Force Base.  Every move brought us closer and closer together and my childhood teachings fell farther and farther away. I depend on Him for everything and would be lost without Him. I often question if being so dependent on my Master is a healthy thing but it comes naturally to me. I like knowing He provides for me and takes care of me. 

Day Twenty Two

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

I have always had a dominate partner and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. He does deploy a lot so we transition back and forth from a 24/7 live in relationship to a 24/7 online/long distance relationship. These transitions are hard but I do feel they both have their positive side. I cannot imagine not having His guidance in my life and I am sure I would feel lost without it. He has so much control over everything I do. 

Day Twenty One

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

With Him being deployed our choices are limited. I have corner/kneeling time every night. I kneel by a chair in our room and try to center myself. When He comes home I will kneel while He sits in the chair but it is a long time until February. Right now 5 minutes seems like forever and I have a really hard time staying put. I know I need to focus on my submission during this time but I find it hard to quiet my mind. I tend to run through my to do lists and think about all the things I should have done. I think I need to find a book on centering myself or maybe meditation….I don’t know.  L I do find that my kneeling time helps me remember my place in our relationship. He is thousands of miles away from me but He still has control over my life.