Three Months of Silence

So much has happened in the last three months but nothing has really changed in our dynamic. Utah is really amazing. We spent the summer camping, kayaking, fishing, and getting to know each other again as a family. We both changed so much over our year apart and our relationship really took a hit. 

So here I am trying to find my voice during our time apart. He is gone again (only three weeks) and I have way to much time to think. I love our life but I still miss everything we had before His deployment. I miss the structure and the expectations. I miss knowing what He wants me to do instead of spending my day doing whatever I decide. I don't have the drive to push myself. I don't want to make those decisions for myself. I have (well had) Him for that. 

We have grown so much on the other side of our relationship. It isn't as often but it is more fulfilling for both of us. He has grown more comfortable with causing me real pain during sex. He has found a way to actually hit my rear end that does not sting but hurts deep within  my muscle. It is a wonderful solid hit that I can feel through out my body - and then again the next day as I walk or sit. It leaves a beautiful deep purple bruise that I can see for days. 

I don't know if I will write here often or not. I kinda feel like a pretender since we are so far from what we used to be. It does feel good though. 

Lots of Ears Around

After my last post, Daddy has brought up the topic several times. I know He is trying to work through everything in order to be a better leader for me. The situation has been complicated with a visit from His father. We can't openly talk about our issues and He is unable to express all of His wishes as long as His father is here.

We have talked quietly at night behind closed doors. It isn't the complete overhaul I desire but I am still hopeful.

Missing Pieces

I am probably going to regret this post. Even as I write it I can see the problems it could create but at the moment I need to get my thoughts out. The deployment and the move have wrecked havoc on our dynamic. We are good but there are so many things missing from our relationship.

I do everything I used to. I take care of our home. I figure the bills for Him to approve. I cook our meals. I take care of the boys and run them everywhere. I let Him know where I am and what I am doing all the time. But so much is missing. I get no guidance. He doesn't tell me what He wants me to do. Its like He set me to autopilot and just turned me loose. I was looking forward to the structure He brings to my life but I don't have that right now.

Other than the one spanking for my attitude, He doesn't seem to care how I behave. I am not saying that I am acting like a brat all the time but I know I am not that good. I mess up all the time. I know I do. I don't know if He is giving me space on purpose or if He just doesn't want to put in the effort to correct me. It kinda falls back onto the structure thing. I am just missing the consequences - the good and the bad - that come with my actions.

Our sex life is hit and miss. We had sex several times a week before He left - sometimes several times a day - but now we are lucky to do it once a week. Normal, almost vanilla, sex. No bells and whistles. He always makes sure I have an orgasm but I don't FEEL anything the next day. I am not sore. I don't have any marks or bruises. Feeling Him that way the next day puts me in my happy submissive place. I need to be in that place. It just feels so far away right now.

Now that I have it all spelled out I feel like a complaining little kid. I know this lifestyle isn't all about me and that I need to follow Him. It is His schedule and His plan. I just hope He has an idea of where we are going.

Sometimes Best Friends Can Surprise You

We have been doing this thing for years and know very few people in real life that share our lifestyle or views. We have the most amazing best friends who live across the country that we would never dream of telling about our lifestyle. They are very vanilla.

Recently during our daily text conversations she has brought up little things like me getting Daddy's plate or me asking Him if I could go somewhere. It had me starting to question things. Then recently she dropped a Huge confession. She has asked her husband to consider a Dom/sub lifestyle. I almost died. She went on to tell me how they have been playing at it in the bedroom and how she really thinks it is what she wants all the time. Then she straight out asked me about our life.

She is the one woman in my life that never judges me. She is closer to me than anyone in my family. I love her and can not imagine loosing my best friend. And she asked me about our lifestyle. I couldn't lie to her. Not her.

So I told her bits and pieces. I told her we had been doing this for years and that it is the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. I offered to answer any questions she may have but that she needed to really think about things before she asked. Somethings you just can never unhear.

She hasn't asked for a lot of personal details but it has been really nice to be able to talk to her about this. Her husband isn't sure this is what he wants so she is waiting for him to take the next step. Personally I think it would do them a lot of good. I have thought many times that he just needed to put a stop to some of her bad behaviors.

I don't know where their relationship is going but I hope they are able to find what makes them happy. And I am very thankful to be able to talk to her a little bit about this side of my life.

Good but Not Right

So much is going right, but something still feels off about our life. We are starting to get the swing of things and the move is just another milestone in our life now. We have a schedule (that is messed up with the start of summer) and are finding our places around our new home. But we are still not "us".

Maybe we never will be again. I hope that isn't the case but He has been home for four months now and we have not made that much progress. I am not going to give up but until we are back to "normal" I will just have to write about more mundane things like my garden and our home.

So....

With the move came a lot of changes. One of which is my new garden plot. I have never had a garden away from the house but I am really enjoying it. We will get to keep it as long as we live here so it is kinda like our own little farm. Daddy has helped me get everything planted and set up. We spent last weekend out there putting down mulch on almost half of it since we are fighting weeds like crazy. I refuse to use any chemicals out there so everything is done the old fashion way with lots of hard work and tears. I really think we are going to have a great harvest off of our little piece of land.

Another thing that has changed (or is in the process of changing) is our finances. Daddy asked me to figure out a way for us to stick to an actual budget. We are horrible with impulse buying and that ends up hurting our long term goals. I started using "You Need A Budget" with all their helpful classes and programs. I really like it and I think it will actually make a huge difference in the long run. Daddy still approves our spending but we both are able to focus more on the goals and less on the impulses. We will see how we feel about it in a few months.

It feels really good to be able to put some of my thoughts back into my blog. Hopefully I don't bore everyone to death. Now I am off to pick up the oldest monster from his last day of school and to brave Walmart for two little items.

Chickens, Rules, and Trouble

About a month ago Daddy surprised me with a box of adorable little chickens. They were all fluff and peeps. I was instantly in love with them. We set up their own little yard with a cute little coop. Every day I spend time cleaning their dishes and watching them scratch the ground looking for little bugs and snacks. They are just wonderful. 

Today we had a storm come in and my little babies were running around in their yard. Daddy told me He would take care of them for me and for me to stay in the house dry and safe. It wasn't that hard of a thing to do. Just stay put. But nope....Not me. I had to do the exact opposite of what He said. I went out and put the girls in the coop while He was getting their food. He didn't really say anything but I got that "look". 

I really need to start listening. How hard is it to just do what He says? I don't have that many rules. He doesn't ask me to do crazy things. He just wanted me to stay inside out of the storm but I just had to go out. 

I am sure I will hear more about this when the kids are in bed. 

Smart Mouth Problems

I think He is getting His groove back. Apparently I have a smart mouth and that causes problems for my hind end. I didn't even realize I had been telling Him what to do or ignoring His requests but He noticed. I was making the bed and He walked up next to me and placed a hand on my back. The next thing I knew He had me bent over the bed and placed a firm swat against my back side.

I was a good girl....for about three swats.

Then it all went down hill. Fast.

Throwing elbows during a spanking is never a wise move, but actually making contact with Daddy's jaw was completely stupid. He is stronger than He looks and can hold me in place with just one hand. And that leaves His other hand for swinging. My back side hurt so much and by the time I was allowed up I felt horrible for acting the way I did.

It may take me a while to remember my place but I am really glad He is starting to take control again.